Fashion Banter: VMA Awards

It’s been a while since our last Fashion Banter, because LIFE YOU KNOW. But BF and I are back, and we have MUCH but also not much to say about the MTV VMA’s. I mean come on guys, where was the crazy? Miley can’t be responsible for all of it?

HIT IT CELEBS!

ME: Let’s start with the hostess with the mostess MILEY! Can see her butt – check. can see her boobs – check. All seems to be in order over here.

BF: I think if you’re running out of fashion ideas, tripping and falling through some Sci-fi B-Movie costume racks are probably the best bet. Its a terrible outfit, but because Miley is wearing the RPG armour (+10 to Distraction) it’s ok because “she’s still going through her phase”, and “fame does that to you”. I did find it funny that the boots are covering more than the rest of the outfit combined.

ME: HAHA YES. She looks like a cyber-punk version of Madonna from the 80’s-future.

 

ME: Oh look, it’s the whole family. Billy Ray doesn’t seem very impressed… or is that his ‘Tumblr face’? Bambino Cyrus Noah looks hella cute though.

BF: I’ve seen worse family portraits, although it does look like they’re launching their family reality TV show. I think Billy Ray is still upset about Trace and his terrible music.

ME: Hold up – is he wearing BOOTLEG JEANS? Billy Ray… please stop.

ME: Blac Chyna looks like Nicki Minaj. Amber Rose looks like… Amber Rose. But hey, they’re making a slutwalk statement I guess. But a jumpsuit? Come on.

BF: I can’t stop staring at Mona Lisa on the left. It’s a colourful way to make a statement though, “excuse me, eyes down here please”.

ME: The outfits remind me of a Jeremy Scott line. And speaking of Jeremy Scott…

 

ME: OF COURSE JEREMY. OF COURSE. I joke, because I love.

BF: When I was younger, I used to be disappointed when the TV test pattern stayed on for ages before a show, but at the same time I couldn’t stop staring at it. I feel the same way about this outfit.

ME: I see what you mean… Can’t look away.

 

ME: Vanessa Hudgens clearly never left Coachella. Do you even know where you are gurl?

BF: Miss Hudgens, did you not get the VMA fashion memo? Less sensible, more Spring Breakers please. I don’t mind it, but doesn’t go with the carpet.

ME: Your biggest problem with this is that it doesn’t match the carpet she’s standing on? Confused face.

 

ME: Whaaaaaat are your thoughts on Bieb’s new hair and lewk? I’m actually into it, the hair. And is lewk is quite okay. Except for those shoes. Which need to be burnt.

BF: His hair is ok. His shirt is ok. His jacket is meh. I have an inherent issue with people who buy ripped jeans. You’ve never done laborious tasks. Don’t pay lots of money for a product that’s already wrecked. You wouldn’t buy shoes with holes in the soles. He could’ve dressed smarter and less country try-hard.

ME: BUT I LOVE RIPPED JEANS! You’re too sensible. I get what you’re saying about ‘country try-hard’. It’s those shoes. They’re killing me.

 

ME: Let’s play “Guess the Kardashian-Jenner”! Because can we please all agree that Kylie is totally wearing a Kim dress. She’s turning into a young Kim. I’m just waiting for her and Tyga’s sex tape to come out. Also – WHAT IS ON YOUR HEAD KYLIE? Take that off, it looks horrendous.

Kris looks like a fierce mamma. Kourtney is WAY smaller than I thought. But that jumpsuit gurl – basic AF.

BF: I don’t like the Kardashians.

 

ME: I am completely obsessed with everything about FKA Twigs. OBSESSED. But she looks like a Victorian sex doll over here. Which… I don’t know is a completely bad thing? I guess she’s werq’in the hell out of it.

BF: Very Rocky Horror, and Miley set the bar quite low with her outfit, so this works.

 

ME: I don’t know who Frankie Grande is, but he’s wearing shorty shorts and is covered in gold dust. And I’m VERY into it, because it’s the VMA’s! Thanks for coming, Frankie Grande! Is it ‘Grande’ as in ‘grand’ or ‘Grande’ as in ‘I’d like a grande orange mocha frappucino please’?

BF: Shorts are great. Gold Dust wasn’t my favourite wrestler. I have mixed feeling about this.

 

ME: Here’s pregnant Kim in a potato sack. She really needs to learn how to dress her pregnant body. Because Damn. A potato sack isn’t much better than a floral couch. And Kanye who looks like he has sympathy pregnancy in that outfit. NOT FLATTERING KANYE. Try harder.

BF: Kanye looks like my Franklin character in GTA V. Kim looks like a first year animation student’s character design for a female Medieval thief.

ME: I’ll take that as BAD.

 

ME: T Swift looks like a houndstooth disco belly dancer. And I am DISAPPOINTED. She needs to learn to commit to a lewk. Where is the belly chain? Why do those shoes not have curly toes?

BF: I can’t talk about Swift. She confuses me.

 

ME: Ciara and Serayah share the same lazy stylist. Do you think they both arrived, saw each other, and thought ‘bitch stole my look’? And then fought it out in the bathroom, street-rules style? OMG – Is THAT why their dresses are ripped??

BF: If I sat behind them at the VMA’s, they would’ve practiced my knots when the awards got to the boring bits.

 

ME: Hailee Steinfeld’s stylist is trying to kill her. These stylists are HECTIC.

BF: The “Ag, I ran out of time” Fashion Designer Award goes to…

 

ME: Oh thank god for Baddie Winkle. At least SOMEONE put some effort into dressing for the VMA’s. SHE knows what the VMA’s are all about.

BF: I don’t even know what to say about this. My head hurts from the previous outfits. But I like her crazy.

 

 

*All images via mtv.com